


Cottaging

by radiohoe



Category: Radiohead (Band)
Genre: Jonny is a hoe, M/M, the other radioheads show up as well but it's just some feat.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 03:39:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9053707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiohoe/pseuds/radiohoe
Summary: From Jonny's twitter: "(...) which always makes me want to go cottaging... as in joe orton / prick up yer ears."
Based on the amazing tweets of Jonathan Richard Guy Greenwood.Dedicated to Debora, who suffers as much as I do with those awful tweets.





	

5 minutes became 10. 10 minutes became 15. 15 minutes became half an hour.

“His phone is still off… Oh God, if- if something happened to Jonny,” Colin began frantically moving around their studio while nervously fiddling with his hand and mumbling something about “it would kill mom”. Ed hastily went to his side, trying to calm down his band member, to little result.

“Coz, I’m sure he’s ok, he probably got held back in traffic or something,” he kept saying, but Colin's doe eyes still showed nothing but fear.

Thom knew how to deal with pressure situations, though. Years of anxiety caused by pressure and fame, plus some insightful advice from Mr. Stipe had helped him being able to look well together even in the worst situations - and a missing band member was, at least, a Code Orange. “Let’s go, then”, he said, fetching his coat. “Colin, you go to his house. Ed, you go to the hospital and I’ll go to that book shop he likes…. Phil, you stay here in case he arrives… if none of us catch wind of Jonny in half an hour we’re filing a report to the police, ok?”. Colin gasped at the notion of this, but before any of them could move, they heard a soft spoken but slightly out of breath voice.

“Why are you going to the police?”, a disheveled haired and sweaty Jonny asked them, looking worried. “Were our instruments mugged again?”

Colin hurried in his direction and gave him a bear hug, while he looked at his mates who were all pale as sheet, with just-seen-a-ghost expressions on their faces. “I thought you were dead, floating on the Thames by now, what happened?”, his brother pleaded to know, holding his face with two hands… his despair seemed so ridiculous to Jonny he couldn’t help but laugh, a lot.

That set up a fire inside Thom, who realised the situation had gone back to a Code Green. “What the fuck is so funny about that, you dense fuck?! We were about to go all around town to go look for you!”, he listened to himself sounding so angry and wondered for a moment why. 

“Well, I’m sorry, I thought we were scheduled to start at 3pm,” Jonny replied, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

“We have never once started a rehearsal at 3pm in our lives, Jonathan,” his brother replied, but he kept laughing.

“Well, where were you then? You seem in a good mood,” Ed inquired, crossed arms - Thom usually hated when Ed did that to him, more if he had misbehaved, but at that moment he was thankful for his bandmate’s special inspecting skills. 

“Well, I…. you know…” oh yes, O’Brien cornered Greenwood with a simple question. They exchanged looks, Ed didn’t utter another word - he was still looking for an answer, that Jonny gave him after some head scratching. “I, you know, I joined a gym.” They all went quiet for a moment, with the room erupting in laughter the next second.

“You????” 

“In a gym?????” 

“Jesus fucking Christ, this is the funniest thing I have ever heard!”

“Ah, you are always nagging me off on how I’m barely able to lift my guitar, so I thought, ‘Why not get some exercises?’,” Jonny fidgeted as usual, trying to explain himself “I finally found one that I liked, and I got lo-”

“It’s ok, Jonathan…,” Colin got closer to his sibling, “But next time you decide to change your habits, give us a heads up first, ok?” He ran his fingers through Jonny’s hair, and in return, got mocked by his brother a bit. As long as Jonny was alive, Colin could endure his less-than-funny banter forever.

“Alright, lads,” Ed interjected, “Back to the fun part…. Some Jorge Ben to get our juices flowing?”

\---

Had Jonny been late only once, Thom could’ve let it pass. But the next week he arrived 5 minutes after the time they had arranged to meet. And the following one, 20 minutes. It was hard to scold him, since he’d arrive every time specially apologetic and ashamed, but also grinning like the cat that got the cream. Deep down, however, Thom knew that he’d have to be the one to press Jonny down eventually - Colin was always so supportive of Jonny, Ed was completely ok with the situation once he got the motivation behind it and Phil… As long as they were recording, Phil did not mind what was going on. Thom himself felt inappropriate in complaining about it, as whatever Jonny would present them after the whole “You are late!” routine was brilliant to compensate every single mistake the whole band had made since the MTV Beach House presentation.

Still, thoughts kept dancing on Thom’s head. Why Jonny kept being tardy to their rehearsals even though the boys had already complained? It wasn’t like Jonny to dismiss their opinions. And was gym work really that worth it? That sort of mechanical work seemed too much like something they sang about in Fitter Happier, but the serotonin rush Jonny was getting from it was clearly inspiring him in life overall… So, why did Thom felt like Jonny was up to no good?

\---

“You really should listen to ‘Analog Worms Attack`, Jonny…” Thom ranted while Jonny played absentmindedly with his piece of german chocolate cake. “The dude is able to do *magic* with a Korg MS-20, I have never listened to anything like this before…. pure magic, I tell you,” Thom punctuated he’d finished talking with shoving a piece of lemon pie in his mouth.

“Uhm, Thom?” Jonny laid his fork on the plate, and took his fringe out of his view, looking at his friend deep in the eyes.

“Mhm?” Thom asked, without realising Jonny was about to give him big news.

“I am not really going to the gym”

“I KN-”

“I am having sex with strangers on public bathrooms.”

“-EW IT- What???????”

Thom was at a loss for words. Better, he had just reverted to 2 months old and lost knowledge of even rudimentary language skills. The last time he’d felt like this was at Phil’s 30th birthday, when they all discovered Colin knew the choreography of Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights”.

“Uhm… Whaaa… Hooww…,” it was literally physically impossible for Thom to talk with a cacophony of voices in his head shouting all sorts of things.

“Hey, hey, take your time to process a bit… have some water,” Jonny handed him the cup and Thom chugged, while realising that they were in a café filled with people. Hyperventilating wasn’t an option.

_I’m not here. This isn’t happening. I’m not here. This isn’t happening._

Jonny was looking concerned with his friend, and Thom nodded, trying to show he’s alright.

“Can you explain yourself?,” Thom finally managed to enunciate.

“Sure, sure,” Jonny sat himself better and they leaned towards one another. “A while ago, while we were on our break, me and Walter went to the movies… it was an old flick, ‘Prick Up Your Eyes’, with Gary Oldman, love that guy.”

Thom glared at him, as he always did when Jonny was losing focus.

“Yeah, anyway, the movie is about this gay playwright, Joe Orton, and is based on his journals… You can see in the movie already, but in his own writings there were these very, very raunchy episodes of him going to those bathrooms and having sex with strangers, it’s called cottaging.”

“Cottaging?”

“Yes.”

“That’s a funny sounding word,” Thom picked up a napkin and wrote it to save it for later. “Two ‘t’s, right?”

“Yeah, yeah… So, I kept thinking about that for weeks and weeks, and the more I thought about it, the more it seemed… _exciting_! And, you know, I don’t do much exciting things in life, really… I drink occasionally, but we all do. Not into drugs, and even though we get to do music, we both know that we work our arses off too much for it to be all fun, all the time,” Jonny went on, scratching his head while explaining himself. “I told myself, ‘Alright, Jonny, you are going to try this once. Just once,’ and I went to this bar, got in the bathroom, tapped my foot, someone tapped back and… _it was the most erotic moment of my life_.” His eyes sparked at that.

“At first, I did it only at nights, but I felt a bit inadequate going to these bars and having to endure the bad music that plays there… Luckily for me, I found out this website that you could create a secret profile and see others, and if you like their description, you can request for a… uhm… _meeting_.” Thom quivered a bit after Jonny said it. “And when I get late, it’s usually because I went back home and showered... I do that because I feel that everyone can smell sex in me, but yeah. So, that’s that.”

“Are you using protection?,” Thom asked.

“Sure, always in my pocket… but it doesn’t get to that every time, most of the times it’s just wanking each other… or blowjobs. But when it gets to fucking it’s so good, I feel like I’m having the most fun after so long!”

Thom gazed at Jonny a bit, who was still unsure of his friend’s reaction after his explanation.

“How thrilling for you,” Thom spoke as serious as possible.

They both erupted in laughter, attracting the eyes of the rest of the café.

“You dick! Why do you have to remind me of this sodding interview?,” Jonny spoke while wiping the tears off of his eyes.

“You know I will quote it whenever necessary,” Thom replied, cooling down a bit. “Uhm, Jonny?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you tell me? Instead of your brother or any other of the lads?”

“Because I know I can tell you anything,” Jonny said, and they looked at each other for a while before he continued. “Also, because you were the only one that was really annoyed at me being late.”

“Well, if you fucking stop doing that I will really appreciate it.”

“I’ll try, then.”

\---

Thom thought to himself later that night how he felt good about Jonny trusting him enough to tell him about his cottaging hobby. The smile that he’d given him after he said it was the happiest he’d ever been was good enough for Thom to forgive his unpunctuality. 

Good enough until the next day, when Jonny not only arrived late again, but also gave him a sly smile while nobody else was looking at the studio. At that moment, Thom felt his stomach sinking, a nausea so great that he asked to take 5.

“Thom, are you feeling ok?,” Ed asked, looking increasingly worried.

“Oh, God, he’s turning white,” Colin’s motherly instincts interjected, holding Thom’s arms and sitting him down.

“Don’t worry, that’s his skin tone… The L.A. tan had to go eventually,” Phil tried to distract them. Thom felt grateful at that, since his bandmate knew how annoyed he could get at everyone being on top of him. _Phil is indeed great_ , Thom thought.

“I’m alright,” he shook everyone off, assuring he was ok, “I just felt a bit sick, but I’m back now… Let’s go, we already had to wait for Jonny!”

Jonny snorted a bit, but only Thom noticed.

“Oh, and Jonno?,” Ed spoke while tuning his guitar, “If you are going to embark on a fitness journey and make us wait for you, at least grow some muscles, mate!”

They all laughed, while Ed still looked indignant.

“I mean it! It’s been months and he still has that tummy of his!”

\---

Over the following weeks, the sickness that Thom felt on the studio returned whenever he thought about Jonny’s new favourite pastime. All sorts of scenarios played in his head, from Jonny arriving with a new boyfriend and having a hard time explaining to the rest of the band how they’d met to he receiving a call asking for help.

He tried to tell himself at first that his friend was responsible. He knew, deep down, that indeed he was, they knew each other since kids and at no point Jonny ever did anything reckless. Sure, cottaging seemed very unusual and it’s even probably a felony, but he saw the website and they had some sort of human control to ensure the participants’ safety. Still, he felt uneasy and decided that this had to stop.

Thom pleaded at first for Jonny to keep it more casual, not as frequent as he was used to. In return, Jonny laughed and said: “It’s no different than you or Ed with those girls on tours.”. There was his first argument. 

Then, he contested to his bandmate that, if he got caught, that could end all of their careers. “Thom, assholes like R. Kelly still have success even though they should be rotting in jail… If anything, we will probably sell even more records!”. It was hard to have Jonny take anything serious when he’s getting laid.

More useless arguments were thrown by Thom, all retorted. He realised fairly quickly that, in order to get the point across Jonny’s head, he’d need to be incisive.

And thus, Thom had an idea.

\---

Jonny showed up at the bathroom behind the library and checked his watch: punctually, at 12pm. He couldn’t help but smile. _I can’t show up on time for work, but to fuck a stranger I arrive exactly when I’m supposed to_ , he thought.

He knew what he was going to find. The place was big, and clean - which helped a lot, as once, somewhere else, he had to stop mid-blowjob to change stalls because of the stench - and it didn’t even have more than one stall, just a sink, a mirror, the toilet, and a door lock. It was probably one of those old constructions that got modernised over the years. Of course, there was the risk of someone knocking at the door and, after no response, calling the librarian for help… But for Jonny, that was part of the thrill as well. And in any case, he and today’s catch had agreed on a secret door knock so there wouldn’t be any mistakes. He was ready, and he could already feel himself hard. The less he’d talk with whomever was inside there, the better - he wasn’t interested in making friends.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

He waited for the response.

_Cough. Cough_

He opened the door, faster than ever.

“Hey- Thom??? What are you doing in here?”

“Well, you wouldn’t stop raving about this cottaging thing no matter what, so I wanted to give it a go,” Thom replied, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“Oh, so you got it arranged here with somebody else?,” Jonny asked, already making a motion to leave. “It’s ok, I’m not gonna get in the way here-”

“No, no, I got it arranged with you, Jonny,” Thom assured, while cracking a small smile.

“That’s not funny at all, Thom.” He was raging, but also praying that Thom hadn’t noticed the volume in his jeans.

“I don’t want to be funny at all, JonJon,” Thom said while walking on Jonny’s way, with a tone that accused seriousness, but with a look on his face that meant mischief instead. “You kept talking about how good it was, and I can see how happy and relaxed you are… If it’s that good for you to keep showing up late and jeopardise all we built as a band, I want in as well.”

Thom pressed Jonny against the door, and at that moment Jonny realised that Thom was bluffing, what made him incredibly angry. His friend had indeed tried to make him stop a few times over those past few months, but to actually show up and do that was incredibly low, even for Thomas Edward Yorke.   
Jonny took control and caught Thom’s face with his hands, leaning in for a kiss. Their lips met, and Jonny was surprised at how good Thom’s plump lips felt. At first, he wasn’t sure if he had the best idea, as even with closed eyes he could see Thom’s shocked face, but when he felt him kissing back, it was officially on. They were playing, and the loser would be the one to tap out first. _Let me call your bluff then, ThomThom._

Their tongues quickly met, at first in a sloppy way, but soon they found a rhythm that felt perfect. In defy, Thom made his way to Jonny’s ear, nibbling gently his earlobe before exploring his neck, kissing every inch and not worrying about leaving hickeys anywhere. All that Jonny could do back was play with Thom’s hair and move his hands beneath his shirt, caressing Thom’s skin to make him shiver. The pressure in Jonny’s pants was already feeling unbearable, and he casually ran his fingers on Thom’s crotch only to find the same. How far would they go? More than that, how far were they _willing_ to go?

Jonny found himself thinking over the wave of pleasure he was surfing on. He had never been more confused and more excited, as every single touch that he and Thom would make in one another felt completely right, it was beyond any one night stand he’d ever had. He was finding out that one thing that was missing in his life - surprisingly, what he wanted that whole time wasn’t strangers in bathrooms, or public parks, or back alleys. What he wanted was his best friend, body and soul.

He decided that he wasn’t going to be the one to tap out, then. This could ruin their friendship and their band, but he was going to enjoy this until the very end.

\---

“Fuck, don’t stop, Thom,” Jonny uttered, hardening Thom even more. Thom wasn’t going to stop, that’s for sure.

But why wasn’t he going to stop? He should stop. He should definitely stop.  
“Let me take off your shirt, Jonny,” he begged and Jonny obliged. Thom gasped at the sight of Jonny’s chest, running his fingers from his chest hair through his happy trail. Sure, he’d seen that a hundred times over the years, but he didn’t have the opportunity to truly pay attention. Now, in that context, he couldn’t help but to be amazed at the sight.

The next logical step was to lick his best friend’s nipple, of course. “FUCK, don’t stop, please!” Jonny whimpered, and the feeling of power was intoxicating Thom. More than that, Thom didn’t want to stop. It wasn’t anymore about making Jonny feeling inadequate, or about making a point on how being late sucks for others. It was about being intimate with his friend, all this time. The reason why Thom felt so sick whenever he thought about Jonny banging other strangers was that it wasn’t him he was banging after all.

Now that they were, indeed, banging, Thom wasn’t going to stop.

\---

Jonny brought back Thom to his lips, and they kissed with the urgency of a man in the desert who had just found a gallon of water. Jonny bit Thom’s bottom lip, and Thom’s small smile in return was enough to make him mad. His fingers fumbled and opened Thom’s belt and fly, and he gripped his cock, at last.

“Oh, fuck,” Thom moaned, “You are driving me crazy, Jonny.”

“I like driving you crazy,” he replied, beginning to go back and forth with his hand around Thom, who was trying his best not to scream. He was going slow, sliding his hand easily with the help of pre-cum, and that was exactly what was bringing Thom to the edge.

“Faster, Jonny,” Thom begged.

“No,” he replied, and slightly cupped his balls instead.

“FUCK!”

Thom, in protest, took Jonny in his hands himself, jerking him off in steady rhythm, giving Jonny no choice but to either give in or wanking him faster so that he could focus a bit more. “Oh, yes, just like that, Jonny!,” Thom uttered, sounding like he was getting exactly what he wanted.

Jonny was going back and forth, faster and faster, and Thom felt that he was going to cum at any moment… “No, no, stop,” Thom pleaded and immediately Jonny got loose of him, looking confused.

“What, uhm, I thought you were enjoying this,” Jonny looked confused, and they both realised that they were panting.

“I am, I really am, I just didn’t want to… you know”  
“What do you want then?”

“I want to put my lips around you.”

Soon, Thom got on his knees and licked the head of Jonny’s dick. He had never done this before, so what he could do was whatever he liked and pray that Jonny would like it too. “Oh, yes, Thom,” Jonny cried, giving him permission to go further.

He kept licking Jonny’s head for a bit, moving on to the shaft. He could feel the shivers himself, and Jonny tasted so good he soon found himself taking him into his mouth. Jonny straight out gasped, and he was sure the whole library could listen to them… and he didn’t mind. He kept bobbing his head, taking every inch of Jonny as it was possible, while the moaning got stronger and louder. “Please, Thom,” Jonny cried, “Look at me”.

Thom looked and it was even more beautiful than seeing 20000 heads singing his songs. There was Jonny, running his hands through his hair, sighing and panting, begging to be looked at, expressions lost in pure pleasure. He kept sucking, going as further as he could, until he felt the head at his throat, driving Jonny to madness. Immediately, he felt hands gripping his head and Jonny’s hips moving. He kept himself as still as possible, as Jonny was fucking his mouth. Jonny was whimpering more and more and more, and Thom could feel the salty taste in his tongue getting stronger, until Jonny let loose and got to his knees instead, kissing him with incredible passion.

“I want to do you too,” Jonny whispered on Thom’s lips.

“But I don’t want to stop either,” Thom cried back.

“Lay down, then,” Jonny commanded.

Thom did, feeling with his bare skin the cold of the bathroom floor. _Thankfully, this is lunch hour on a Monday_ , he considered. Sure, it was nice to think of people listening to them, but he didn’t want anybody to actually nudge in.

Jonny positioned himself on top of him, face on his cock, and took Thom in his mouth, straight up deepthroating him. “Fuck, Jonny!,” Thom shouted, taking Jonny straight to his throat while moaning. They kept sucking each other off, delayed gratification after 20 years of knowing every single thing about one another, until Jonny let Thom escape from his mouth and into his hands.

“Oh, Thom, don’t you DARE stopping now!”

They went on in their 69, Jonny wanking Thom with a firm grip while he’d fuck Thom’s mouth with amazing stamina. They were both on the edge of coming when Thom grabbed firmly Jonny’s hips and began working with his throat, taking control of the situation. “Oh, fuck, Thom, I’m gonna cum-” Jonny warned, before releasing himself inside Thom, who swallowed every drop he could. The taste felt so good, so _Jonny_ that it was exciting enough to, together with Jonny’s friction, to have Thom follow suit and cum as well, on Jonny’s hands.

Jonny licked the semen from his fingers and laid down by Thom’s side, kissing him on the forehead. Thom rested his head on Jonny’s chest and they stayed there for a while, basking on the post-cathartic orgasm glory. It was pure serendipity, how Jonny just wanted cheap thrills from public encounters and Thom wanted that to stop and was ready to do anything for it, only for them to find out that all along that they were looking for each other. Getting platinum didn’t feel as good as this.

“Thom?,” Jonny called, after a while in silence.

“Yes?,” Thom replied, with a lazy voice.

“I don’t think I really wanted to do cottaging this whole time, you know.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” Thom raised his head and looked deeply in Jonny’s eyes, smiling devilishly, “ _that’s a shame_.”


End file.
